After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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