if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So squirting runs in the family.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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