This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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