I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
