awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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