summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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