I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
