Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Randomize
