i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
