Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
