wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
