ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I deserve this hangover.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
