I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
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You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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