I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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