There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
