I cockslap morals
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
