??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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