hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
