lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
