I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
