remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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