nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
