I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
