I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
