last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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