All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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