What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
