I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
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I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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