I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
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I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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