It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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