You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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