I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
