Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
