explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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