I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
