Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Randomize
