I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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