made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I can't put those talents on a resume
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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