Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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