I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
