You were right. It hurts to walk today.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
