Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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