wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
