Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
