why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize