my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
