Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
