You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
