Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
