WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
