Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
