did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
