Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
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I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
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When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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