My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
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