Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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